It's obvious when you first step foot on the grounds of Augusta National for the Masters tournament that a certain kind of behavior is expected out of the patrons. It's quieter, except for those birds chirping, and the patrons seem to have a reverent attitude. I mean, this is like going to the Holy Church of Golf. All the caddies are wearing white, many of the women are in their Sunday best, and yes, the golfers do plenty of praying, especially on Sunday.
But if you've never been before, how do you know how you're supposed to conduct yourself as a patron? It's not like we're born with this ability; it's learned. Admittedly, the list below seems to be more about don'ts than do's, but it's really not that hard. If you're fortunate enough to have credentials (i.e. tickets), just follow these guidelines, and you'll be fine.
1. Down in front
Okay, there's an order to things here at Augusta National. Areas for patrons with chairs are even roped off, and patrons get there mighty early in the morning to claim their spot. If you're wandering the course, trying to follow a particular group, you'll need to be tall or find a nice hill or bleachers to watch the action. A great viewing area, by the way, is the bleachers behind the 12th tee, where you can see the 11th green, the par-3 12th and much of the par-5 13th, better known as Amen Corner.
Also, it's a big no-no for patrons to run while on the grounds, whether it's to get a front row spot to spy Jordan Spieth going for 13 in two or to get in line for a pimento cheese sandwich. You may be lucky to get away with a warning.
2. Leave your cell phones in the car
Or in the hotel room. I mean, they're adamant about this. Forget the fact that almost all PGA Tour events allow cell phones on the course, even encouraging you to download the tournament app so you can follow the leaderboard, this is a tradition like no other, which means those mechanical scoreboards have done the job in the past and are doing the job today. And if you were planning to use your camera as a phone, fuhgeddaboutit. Even during practice rounds, when you can take your camera, you can't bring those fancy Androids or iPhones that take better pictures than most $500 cameras.
3. Don't wear a green blazer
If you're going to be a good patron, you've got leave that green jacket in the car or at home or in the hotel room. Those are reserved for members and past champions. You don't want to cause any confusion out there, impersonating Doug Ford or Condoleezza Rice. If you must wear a blazer, pick a plaid one from the tournament that follows the Masters.
Be sure to leave the denim at home and, while we're at it, consider saving the Loudmouth Pants for another week.
4. Smoke the fattest cigar you can find
I don't know if there's a better place to smoke cigars than where most of the old legends used to smoke Lucky Strikes and Camels. (There's a great Frank Christian picture of Ben Hogan and Arnold Palmer waiting on the tee puffing away, during the 1966 Masters.) But please make sure it's a good one, like a Cohiba, since everyone around you will be smoking it, too.
5. Shop, but not 'til you drop
Okay, if you're going to the Masters, you have to bring back lots of souvenirs for everyone, but not too many. After all, if you're one of the those patrons who comes out of the massive Masters merchandise building with $50,000 worth of memorabilia, it's pretty obvious you're hitting the secondary market for your own gain, and that ain't cool.
Just buy your closest friends a gift. They love those $16 coffee mugs. Every golfer who has received one of those from me drinks out of it every day.
6. Save room for Masters Mini Moonpies
I mean, other than the Masters, when do you get to eat these things? I don't even know where to find regular moon pies in the grocery stores anymore. They've had them at Augusta National forever. I think there's marshmallow in them and there's chocolate on the outside, a winning combo. It gives you energy to climb all those hills, which look way bigger in person than on TV. So don't fill up on $1.50 pimento cheese sandwiches or Masters potato chips or Masters trail mix or Masters peanuts; save room for those sweet little saucers.
7. Arrive early and stay at Augusta late
What else are you going to do while in Augusta? Sleep in at your $300-a-night Super 8 crash pad? Breakfast at the Waffle House and dinner at Hooters (two of many blue collar staples on Washington Rd.)? Instead, take it all in. Get there at the crack of dawn and stay until the last putt is holed. And why not? Food is affordable at the Masters.
8. No 'Mashed potatoes!' please
No, "You da mans," "Get in the hole" or any other lame comments. This is the Masters, man. A polite golf clap will do nicely and when they do something really spectacular -- like when Tiger Woods holed out that pitch shot from behind the 16th green -- you can let loose like any other golf tournament.
9. Adults: Lay off the autographs
If you're over say, 25, no autographs. Leave that for the kids. We know what those 50-year-olds are likely doing with those autographed flags they're supposedly bringing back for family and friends: cashing in with the collectible guys.
10. No scalping tickets outside the grounds
Okay, so you've got tickets for the whole week and you want to take a day off to play golf at the nearby River Club in North Augusta or Aiken (S.C.) Golf Club just 20 minutes away. Don't even think about scalping those tickets near the grounds to pay for the green fees. This is punishable by jail, fine or even worse, permanent expulsion from Magnolia Lane.