Odd player out: The art of being - and tolerating - a single golfer

Harvey Penick, all-time great golf instructor and sage of the game, wrote, "If you play golf, you are my friend." It was such a central sentiment to his philosophy that he enshrined it in the title of his second book, a follow-up to the seminal Harvey Penick's Little Red Book: Lessons and Teachings from a Lifetime in Golf.

Camaraderie has always been central to the game. So why are some present-day golfers so frosty?

In a podcast where they discussed various "vibe killers" in golf, some armchair pundits nominated the specter of being paired with a "random 4th" - when a single golfer on the tee sheet joins an existing twosome or threesome.

Having been that "random 4th" more times than I can count - especially in my years traveling and writing about golf courses - I took exception to the idea of instinctively looking down one's nose at having to play golf with someone else.

The response to my response encouraged me: sound disagreement with the Stoolies' dismissal of single golfers. It also stirred some more measured philosophical discussion about being on both sides of the single-golfer situation.

Being randomly paired with all sorts of golfers hundreds of times has been one of the blessings of my life in the game. An all-time favorite round happened in 2016 at TPC Myrtle Beach, when I joined a threesome of longtime friends from South Boston ("Southie"), Mass. They were some of the worst golfers I've ever played with, but they played quickly, laughed the whole way around the course and made me feel welcome.

The first time I ever played the (Pete) Dye Course at PGA Golf Club, I was paired with two ladies. They couldn't have been nicer, and the experience helped me understand the brilliance of one of my all-time favorite course architects. Dye has a reputation for brutality, but the thoughtfulness of his forward tees - aided by his wife and frequent collaborator Alice - made the course entirely playable for all. Several years later, during another round at the same course, I was paired up with a fellow golf design enthusiast with whom I have been fortunate to tee it up several times since, both in Florida and his home state of South Carolina.

More recently, I was an interloper during the Tuesday skins game at Mountain Shadows in Scottsdale, Arizona, paired with three mini-tour pros who all knew each other well. Again, they instantly made me feel welcome and when one of them made an ace on the second hole, it set a practically unbeatable tone for the rest of the round.

I could go on about the fascinating people I've been paired with over the years - several of whom I still keep in touch with years later. Meeting on the first tee as strangers and walking off the 18th green as friends is one of the many reasons why golf is such a special game. Being open to that possibility leads to a richer life and a greater appreciation for others. If civility and camaraderie seem to be in decline in wider society, let golf be an oasis from that.

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Second-hand hole-in-one excitement is a Cool Golf Thing

To be clear, I understand the Stoolies' sentiments, and even sympathize somewhat. Opportunities to play golf are precious, and a group of two or three friends want to enjoy their time together on the course as much as possible. But what I don't accept is the notion that it's not possible to have fun in cases where a single golfer is added to a group to round out a foursome. That's lazy thinking at best, and if a particular group's idea of fun on a golf course requires behavior that they wouldn't want someone else to witness, then there might be some soul-searching to be done.

This should go without saying, but with foursomes being the standard maximum group size, if you book into a tee time as a twosome or threesome, there should be no expectation that you will be sent out as a twosome or threesome. It may well end up happening at a slow time of day or week, but with courses everywhere being busier than ever, it is not just logical but sound business practice for a course to use random singles to fill out as many foursomes on the tee sheet as possible.

If your group absolutely insists on not taking on a random third and/or fourth golfer, then the only way to ensure no one joins you is to pay for all four spots in the tee time when you book it. That way, the golf course receives the revenue it deserves for the whole tee time, and you receive a guarantee to play in your own bubble. It raises the cost of the round, but you are not entitled to deny the course a full share of revenue just because you'd rather not tolerate an extra person or two.

Obviously, booking a foursome on a busy tee sheet with no intention to bring more than two or three golfers is a scumbag move, and groups that do that are effectively stealing from the golf course they seek to play. Genuine cancellations happen, of course (FYI, cancellation protection is one of many perks of GolfPass+ membership), but golfers who abuse the goodwill of golf courses deserve to lose playing privileges there.

This is a golf site, not an advice column, so I'll spare you the basics of treating others with respect and socializing with strangers. They are just as important on the golf course as anywhere else in life. Just as I have been the random fourth countless times, I have been part of a twosome or threesome that has taken on stragglers throughout my golf life, too. My father and I have been joined by memorable singles and fellow twosomes at golf courses around the world for the 30 years we've played golf together.

Yes, negative experiences have happened - mostly in the form of other golfers who play at an agonizing pace - but they are so soundly outnumbered by positive ones that they are of no consequence. If you and your friends set out to have a good time on the golf course, nothing needs to stop you from accomplishing that goal.

Since no respectable golf courses takes tee times for single players in their own time slot, if your golf buddies are busy and you want to play, it's safe to assume you will be paired up with another group. That's just the way golf goes these days.

Even with decades of positive experiences behind me, I still feel slightly nervous when I end up joining another twosome on the course. Some anxiety around strangers is natural, but the thing that I always remember in such circumstances is that no matter who I'm paired with, I already have a huge measure of common ground with them: we all love golf. I firmly believe that any randomly-paired assortment of golfers can fill four hours with golf-related small-talk alone - favorite courses, memorable rounds, hole-in-one stories, etc. - but there's nothing wrong with getting to know one another on a more general level, too. There doesn't need to be constant banter; respectful chit-chat is good enough.

That said, when you're a single golfer paired up with a larger group, it's necessary to acknowledge the power dynamic. Your responsibilities include playing at a good pace and avoiding upsetting the prevailing vibe of the existing group. You still have a right to your own game, though; don't let an existing group drag you to a different tee box than the one you planned to play, and if they like music, you can ask politely if they'd mind turning it down a couple of notches when you're about to hit a shot. If all goes well, your group could end up jamming out like Adam Sandler does with a random three-ball he joins in Happy Gilmore 2.

If you do end up venturing out solo, though, amid a sea of other groups, a round of golf becomes an exercise in patience. If there's a gap and the group ahead of you waves you through, be ready to play quickly, and be a little loose with the rules if you have to (i.e. no three-minute searches for a lost ball). Be gracious in thanking them for letting you go by.

Playing by yourself behind a bunch of foursomes can be frustrating, especially when it's not possible to play through any of them. As much as possible, try not to press them; there's nothing they can do about it. I try to practice my chipping and putting on and around every green in this circumstance. Playing a second ball is also an option.

However you approach the traffic jam, remember to embrace the chance to play with gratitude. Even if you are stuck on the golf course, there are millions of golfers around the world stuck at work who would gladly trade places with you.