Merchants Of Edinburgh Golf Club

Ok: I’ve driven past this course loads of times but been put off by the layout- it plays along and accross a valley. Let’s be clear: it’s pretty. It’s in pretty good condition. Mature trees & great planting as well as well maintained course. Greens are ok. Everyone there was awesome. Great value. The only issue is the layout, and to be fair I don’t know how it could be made better. The issue is where it is. Not that anyone would, but if someone asked me what to do with that piece of virgin land, 2nd bottom of my list would be “golf course”, only narrowly beaten by “geriatric convalescent ice rink”. The slopes are ludicrous. The scary bits you can see from the road are to lure you in. By the time I’d got to the 9th I’d encountered actual mountain bikers presumably in serious training for the softer trails at glentress. By the time the car park came back into view at the end of the 9th I paused to consider just going home to cry. Thinking the worst must be behind me, I pressed on. Mistake. In the space of three holes, I’d achieved a climb that would have caused tour cyclists to undergo several transfusions. I started substantially below the ground level of 5 story flats and university buildings accross the road. By the 12th green I was now looking down on them with the rest of Edinburgh, and Fife on the other side of me. In 3 holes. Cue a couple of completely blind par 3s with just marker poles & a yardage to help you battle the 30mph winds, and then the lunacy finds another level. The psycho that had dragged me up there decided to abandon all that altitude with a single par 3 off the side of a cliff, reading 200something yards, but that’s a horizontal reading. You’re conservatively the same height above the green. At this point I’d lost all interest in hitting the ball and just wanted to be airlifted home. Meanwhile members were happily appearing all round me happy as mountain goats. Clearly not all heroes wear capes. Some wear soft spikes and - presumably - portable defibrillators. Close to weeping, I prodded the ball in the general direction of the car for a couple more holes before picking up and trudging the rest of the way in, defeated. Heroes, triathletes & poorly behaved teenagers should absolutely play here. Middle aged overweight men or anyone with a family who might miss them probably shouldn’t. Sorry.